I didn’t want to be her, the person who walks through life with her mind wrapped only around herself, but that’s who I became. Convinced my bouts with emotional distress were caused by my husband’s shortcomings, I launched into my complaints, salting them with tears.
Jerry didn’t know how to help, and he learned to dread my “we need to talk” invitations. Never able to make things right, he’d back off, making me feel even more lost and unloved. Where did his bride with the “gentle and quiet spirit” go? Yet I believed my storms of sorrow were his fault.
The problem was me
Over many months I learned I could anticipate the dark clouds blowing in, watching for them over my shoulder. The pattern was recurring. The storm would rage, bringing despair and exhaustion, then blow over and become calm.
Curiously, their timing didn’t always relate to my husband’s behavior. But what could I do? I felt helpless against my internal weather patterns.
I humbled myself and called on God
“I am the Lord your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it” Psalm 81:10 NIV).
God invites us to open up to him – to ask and expect him to meet our needs. My need was simply for release from the enemy of peace, my depression.
“If my people would only listen to me, if Israel would only follow my ways, how quickly I would subdue their enemies and turn my hand against their foes … But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you” (vs. 13-14, 16).
I listened to God with daily Bible reading and prayer, and followed his ways. After a medical exam I found the answer, that changing my health habits took the bulk of the power out of my storms. My enemy has remained under my thumb now for many years.
With God I am satisfied
It is wonderful to receive Jerry’s efforts to please me as gifts, not as requirements. His commitment to our marriage is priceless, but it is God who satisfies my needy soul.
by Kathy Sheldon Davis