I was frustrated with my husband and with God. In my prayers I struggled with my desire to have more children, and my husband’s lack of that desire.
I was certain it was God’s will, and I held on to Jerry’s promise that when we moved to our country home he would be open to discussing it.
But his opinion didn’t change.
I had a long list of reasons why it had to be God’s plan for our family to grow. We were good with kids. The level of personal satisfaction was high. I was in my element when I worked with a child. But Jerry’s heart wasn’t with me.
I grieved that he might have the power to ruin my life. I struggled with the possibility his lifespan might be shorter than mine, thereby freeing me to go to Korea and work in an orphanage, but I didn’t honestly believe that was right. Besides, if he was being disobedient to God’s will I’d better be praying for him!
The fear of obsession was evident, too.
I’d heard about people with dementia living in care facilities hugging a doll, or believing they were pregnant. I was afraid I might become that obsessed.
The answer to my yearnings came when I repeatedly surrendered my will. If I couldn’t believe God was big enough to change Jerry’s heart and bring us more children, then I was off base. It was one of the hardest times of my life to trust God.
“And the Lord said to Moses, ‘Is the Lord’s hand shortened? Now you shall see whether my word will come true for you or not'” (Numbers 11:23 ESV).
If God had promised me more children, then he would make that happen. And if I’d misunderstood him, he was able to correct and keep me on the right path.
I’ll continue these thoughts in my next post here.
by Kathy Sheldon Davis